The Opposite Sex: The Sequel!
by Panamint
Summary: The title makes it pretty obvious. But this time, instead of seeing the sons as daughters, you'll see the father as a mother! I scare myself sometimes...


**_The Opposite Sex:_**

**_The Sequel!_**

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own the male Cartwrights, nor do I own the storekeeper; I stole him from Little House on the Prairie (heehee). Oh, and Eagle Station belongs to the show Ponderosa (I don't watch it, but I needed something because Virginia City wasn't founded until 1859). I do, however, own the Cartwright who has been female-ized. Sort of._

* * *

_1830_

Jen Cartwright-Stoddard couldn't believe it was true. How could her husband... her dear, dear Abel... be dead? She had known that sailing was dangerous, and that sailors could be killed at any time, but it didn't seem possible that her darling Abel was now lost to the sea forever. He would never come home to his loving wife or his mother—Elizabeth—now, nor would he ever know the black hair and brown eyes of his baby son, Adam...

_1836_

"Gunnar!" screamed Mrs. Borgstrom as she watched her second husband fall back, an Indian arrow sticking out of his chest. Beside her, Jen heard the strangled cries of her six-year-old son Adam and her sister-in-law, Inger. Even the week-old Hoss began to cry aloud with the rest of the family as Jen raced toward her dying husband. _Dying._ No, it couldn't be. She simply couldn't lose another husband. Although Jen kept telling herself it wasn't so as she took Gunnar in her arms, she knew that this was the last time she would ever hold her beloved...

_1847_

It all seemed so... so unreal. Jacques had just been riding into the yard on his horse, the same old horse he'd ridden since she'd presented it to him as a birthday present three years ago. And then, the next thing she knew, she was making the preparations for her third husband's funeral and for Jacques' sister Marie to come up for the tragic occasion. What would this do to Adam, losing yet another father? And Hoss, who was now without the only father he had ever known? Oh, and poor Little Joe, only five years old... what would it do to him? At that moment, Jen promised herself never to marry again...

_A/N This story is NOT DEPRESSING, I swear! It's a comedy—I just wrote that little intro to get you interested and to see what happened to Jen Cartwright-Stoddard-Borgstrom-de Marigny before the real thing starts, 'kay? Okay, let's rock n' roll, dudes!!_

_It is now 1850..._

The bell rang as Jen walked into the general store.

"Mornin', Ms. Cartwright," greeted the storekeeper.

"Good morning, Mr. Olsen," Jen replied cheerfully, happy that Olsen had remembered to call her by her maiden name for once. After her final husband's death, she had requested that everyone call her 'Cartwright' once again, although it was a bit unusual for all of her sons to have their fathers' surnames—Adam Stoddard, Eric 'Hoss' Borgstrom and Joseph 'Little Joe' de Marigny. She could change them, she supposed, but the boys were so _used_ to them now.

After making her purchases, Jen thanked the man and went outside, then stamped her foot angrily. Once again, she had specifically told Little Joe to wait outside the store with Hoss. And now, once again, they were both gone.

As Jen put her purchases inside the wagon, she thought, _Joe probably saw one of his friends then decided to drag Hoss along, too._

Jen sighed aloud, hiked up her skirts to keep them out of the mud and began the search for her two wayward sons.

""""""""""

"Adam!"

The black-haired 20-year-old turned at the sound of his mother's voice. She looked as distressed as she sounded—her graying hair was now cascading around her broad shoulders, the hem of her skirts were caked with mud and there was the slightest trace of a tear in the corner of her eye.

"What is it, Ma?" he inquired, a bit worried. His mother almost never cried.

"I went into the general store. Joe and Hoss were waiting outside for me then, but now they've gone missing and I can't find them. Oh, just wait until I find those two and get them home...!" Jen exclaimed, her sadness quickly dissolving into the quick-tempered anger that everyone was so used to.

"Don't worry—Eagle Station isn't very big," said Adam. "They wouldn't have wandered very far—I think." Adam glanced up at the sky. "It's getting kind of late. I'm sure they'll be around soon. You know how Little Joe is scared of the dark and—"

"I AM NOT!"

Jen and Adam turned at the sound of the very loud, very indignant voice.

"Joseph Francis de Marigny!" Jen scolded. "Where did you drag Eric this time? Don't you know that I've been up and down this whole town twice looking for you?!"

"Why do you always assume it's my fault?" asked Joe, looking hurt.

"Because it always is," Adam answered smartly. He got a glare from his little brother in return.

"That doesn't answer the question—where were you?" demanded Jen.

"I saw somebody who looked familiar get off the stage and went to check. Turns out it was Aunt Inger and a man-friend of hers!" Joe cried triumphantly. Even Hoss, who stood beside him, was beaming happily.

"Inger? _Here?!_" cried Jen in astonishment. It had been years since she had seen her sister-in-law! In fact, it had been so long ago that she wasn't sure how Little Joe even remembered his aunt!

"Well, where is she?" asked Adam.

"She's over at the hotel," Hoss replied, pointing.

"Hotel?!?" Jen fairly shouted, scaring both boys. "Why on earth did you let her go to a hotel? She's going to stay with us, and that's final!"

"We offered," Joe defended himself. "But she said you might not want her man-friend staying too so—"

"Of course I do! Any friend of Inger's is a friend of mine!!" Jen informed them. "Come on, you three! We need to catch her before she checks in!"

They dashed into the International House just as Inger's 'man-friend' was signing the register.

"Inger!" cried Jen, still a little winded from the run.

The fair-haired, middle-aged woman turned at the sound of her sister-in-law's breathless voice.

"Jenny!" Inger exclaimed in delight. She ran over and gave Jen a hug. "It's been so long! How are you and the boys?"

"We're all fine—as you saw," Jen glared at Joe and Hoss, who shrunk back slightly. "By the way, what happened to your accent? It was pretty thick the last time we met."

"Living in America for so long does things to you," Inger grinned.

Someone behind the Swedish woman cleared his throat.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" she said. "Everyone, this is Narcissus Q. Custard. I met him on the stage coming here—now don't get that look on your face, Jenny; there's nothing between us except a wonderful friendship."

But Inger had misinterpreted the expression on the woman's face. It wasn't one of shock—it was one of love. And it had been sincerely returned.

The silence was broken by a giggle from Little Joe.

"Narcissus Q. Custard?" he repeated, still laughing. "That's the funniest name I ever heard!"

Adam slapped Joe's rear, extracting a high-pitched yelp from the younger boy.

"Sorry about him," Adam apologized as Jen shook her head, slowly returning from her dream world. "He has a tendency to be _very rude_ at times."

"I wonder where I get it from?" countered Joe. He gave Adam a meaningful look.

"That's enough outta the both o' ya," Hoss interrupted.

"Thank you," Jen smiled at her middle child. Turning back to Inger and Narcissus, she said, "Now what's this nonsense about you staying in a hotel?"

"Well, I didn't want to put you out any—"

"Put us out?!" Jen protested loudly. "Nonsense! You and Mr. Custard here are staying with us on the Ponderosa, and that is final!"

"No, really—"

"None of that now! You're coming with us—NOW!" Jen ordered. Inger couldn't help but laugh at the expression on her face.

"Alright, Jenny, you win. We'll come," Inger agreed.

"Good," Jen said, content. "Our wagon is just outside the general store—where Joe and Hoss were supposed to be."

Joe protested, "But if it weren't for us being disobedient, then Aunt Inger and Mr. Custard would have already checked into the hotel by now!"

"Alright, you're excused, but don't expect it to happen again any time soon!"

""""""""""

Inger and Narcissus had only been staying at the Ponderosa for about two days, and the relationship between Jen and her male guest had already heat up drastically. In fact, the only reason they hadn't married yet was because Jen was still thinking about her promise never to marry again. She had only done it to protect herself and her sons... right?

But now, all these feelings building up inside her... sure, she had had boyfriends after her third husband, but none of them had been like this... could it be love? Stay tuned to find out, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! (A/N Faked you out, didn't I? Bwahaha. And don't worry if you don't get the crack; it ain't important. Ah-hem... now...)

Despite her best efforts, Jen could not contain her feelings for very long—she and Narcissus loved each other and that was that. By the end of a week, they were engaged. Unfortunately, Little Joe was not thrilled with the news when he found out.

"But all your other boyfriends went down the drain quicker 'n' water!" he protested. "Why couldn't you have picked that guy 'Prescott' instead of this fella with the weird name?"

"Joseph, it is _not_ a weird name, and I don't appreciate you taking that tone of voice with me!" Jen snapped.

"Sorry, Ma," Joe apologized. "But every boyfriend of yours who wears a blue dress always seems to die within the week."

"Narcissus does not wear dresses, least of all blue ones!"

Joe gave her his 'Joe look'.

"Well... only on special occasions..."

"See!? He's gonna die, Ma, trust me on this one," the boy insisted.

"I've had enough out of you, young man. You like Narcissus, don't you?"

"Well, yeah, but—"

"And he likes you, right?"

"Yeah, but—"

"And you've been complaining for years about not having a pa, right?"

"Yeah, but—"

"Then it's settled," Jen declared. "Narcissus and I are going to marry next month, and I'm sure we'll all be very happy together."

Joe groaned. "I still liked Prescott better," he mumbled. "You can say it without getting your tongue tied in knots."

""""""""""

Jen couldn't believe it. Here she was, in front of her mirror in a long, silken white wedding dress with a bouquet of pretty flowers in her hand and a veil covering her facial features. She was getting married!

There was a knock on the door, Jen told her visitor to come in and was soon talking to Adam.

"You look beautiful, Ma," he said softly. Jen, being as choked up as she was, could only hug her son affectionately.

"Thank you, Adam," she finally whispered. "But I'm afraid Little Joe isn't very happy about this. Despite all his complaints about wanting a father, and the fact that he and Narcissus seem to like each other, he seems against the marriage."

"Maybe it's because he's remembering how all your other boyfriends got killed within a week of their courtship with you."

"Are you saying I'm cursed?!"

"Of course not! I'm just saying that Joe is probably worried that Narcsi... Narcissiu... Narsicis..."

Adam tried again.

"Naucis... Nacsici... that _the man you are about to marry_ will die, causing you more grief than necessary."

Jen patted Adam's cheek gently. "Don't you worry; I have no intention of letting Narcissus die on me."

As his mother left the room, Adam couldn't help but think that she hadn't meant for the other ones to die either... or had she?! Adam began to wonder, then was quickly ashamed of himself for suspecting his own mother of murder. She had loved her husbands—all three of them—and would never even CONSIDER doing something like that.

He hoped...

""""""""""

As Joe watched his mother walk up (or down; he never was very good at remembering things) the aisle, a feeling of dread settled over him. He wasn't quite sure why. Maybe it had something to do with the knife sticking out of Custard's back pocket...

Wait a minute.

Joe blinked, and then checked again.

Yes, there was most definitely a knife in Narcsi... Narsici... well, there was a knife!

Little Joe tried to yell, but he couldn't seem to make a sound. No matter how hard he tried, there was always that same, eerie silence as his beloved parent drew closer and closer to the alter...

""""""""""

"MA! NO, STOP! PLEASE, NO!"

"Joe! Joe, wake up!"

Little Joe Cartwright sat up in bed, his face covered in a layer of cold sweat. Adam was sitting on the bed in front of him.

"You okay, little brother? I could hear you screaming all the way to the other end of the house," the twenty-year-old asked with genuine concern in his tone.

"Yeah... yeah, I'm alright... now," answered Joe. He was still extremely shaken by what he had just dreamt.

"Having a nightmare about your Ma again?"

"Yes, but this was by far the _weirdest _dream I ever had!!"

"That's strange," said Adam thoughtfully. "Pa had a rather unusual dream a few weeks ago, too."

"Pa!" Joe cried. "My pa is still alive?! He's not a she? I mean..."

Adam gave Joe a rather strange look. Suddenly, it dawned on him.

"Joe," Adam said. There was a note of urgency in his voice as he continued, "It's not possible that you dreamt our Pa was a woman, now is it?"

"Gee, Adam, how'dya know that?"

"Instinct, little brother... pure instinct!"

The End

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_Okay, so it's not as good as the original, but what is? I hoped you liked it anyway--please R&R!! :-)_


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